Mammy gets brave.

My bed is right beside the nurses station and I hear everything. This particular morning I’m lying in bed wondering how I’m going to get through another day when I hear my name mentioned. Of course the ears are alert and I hear a man asking one of the midwives if I’ve been to see Amy yet, no she said, God I felt like shit when I woke now I feel even worse. Cant they understand that I’m trying my bloody hardest to hang on to this baby. My thoughts and prayers are with Amy every minute of the day. I long to see her but I’m scared. I sleep with her photos under my pillow. After the rounds every morning Katie is monitored for 20 mins. As soon as I’m finished I get up take my dressing gown and walk off the ward on my own. I take the lift and arrive at neo natal unit. With sweaty shaking hands I ring the bell. I wash and gown up, actually I scrub my hands so hard. What if I bring in germs, what if she gets sick because I went in…..
I remember the heat in there and all the machines. Its very intimidating. I’m given a high stool and I sit beside Amys home. The incubater has a quilt over it to keep the light out. I take a little peak. OH my Lord she looks even smaller but in the few days she looks a little healthier colour wise. I chat with the nurses about basic things. I’m thinking of her gettng big enough to come home and secretly they are monitoring her health so closely what different ideas we have. I dont stay too long its not a place for a pregnant woman.
I’m 25 weeks now and the survival rate for Katie has gone up. I’m settling into life here, food is unreal (not in a good way)and being vegetarian doesnt help. I have become friends with the catering staff on my ward, one in particular was a premmie too and she takes extra good care of me.
We get a few presents to celebrate Amys birth. I’ve never really thought about it before but what does one give to celebrate a life that hangs in the balance. My husbands colleague brings us a beautiful set of babygrows. They look tiny and are to suit a 7lb baby, but its going to be a very long time before she grows into them, which is fine because I like a challenge. I get a pretty pink photo frame and I tell my friend the first time I get to hold Amy I’ll get the photo and put it in the frame. I’m the only woman on the antenatal ward with a bump and ‘congratulations on your baby girl cards’ up. Some look at me like I’m cookoo!! and sure thinking back they were right

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