The labour ward is for women having babies and I seem to be a pregnant woman not in labour so I’m moved to the ante natal ward. I’m in a six beded ward at least in the labour ward I had the room to myself. This is going to take a bit of time to adjust to. I still feel in my heart I’m going to be here for the next three months. I pull my curtains and block out the world. The only time I get out of bed is to use the bathroom. I’m still on tender hooks about Katie making a sudden appearance. My ability to read has dissapeared and I cant listen to the radio. I spend most of my time crying into my pillow. The shock seems to be wearing off and a harsh dose of reality is hitting me straight in the face. My baby might die. Both my babies might die. I never stop praying, hoping or believing but I am now experiencing a new feeling its called fear. The logic side of my brain is shoutting louder than ever before now and I have to accept I may have to bury my baby girl. I try to visualise what the funeral would be like, would I still be pregnant, would I be allowed to go… So many questions. I’m so upset now its time to chill and calm down. I go back to waiting every minute and I’ll deal with whatever whenever.
The strangest things go through my head in the next few days. Things like hubby possibly not walking his daughters down the isle on their wedding day. What my two princesses would look like on communion day. I also think about graves. Head wrecking stuff.
Theres alot of women coming in in labour, I hate to say this but I’m jealous and angry. I havent been back to see Amy I just cant do it. If I go I’ll fall even more in love with her and if she doesn make it I cant comprehend what I’ll do. BUT if I dont go and she doesnt make it will I regret not spending the few precious days with her. I know Ill break down again if I walk into the neonatal unit and it might make Katie come, making me a failure again. You know the saying caught between a rock and a hard place……. well I’m in that place right now.